Untitled #6

I think of you so often

It feels only normal.

But when the sun sets

Behind the horizon

My thoughts are bedeviled by you.

I think of you. . .

Seeing you again

Holding you close

Being with you.

I close my eyes and listen

I hear your voice

I long for that meeting that

Will never happen

Except when I slumber

Why am I haunted by your memory?

Do you really mean anything to me?

Or, more correctly,

What do I mean to you?

I think of you and

Dream of how much you miss me?

Then I worry if you really ever

Cared at all.

You have not proclaimed your feelings.

I begin to panic

Is this feeling only a monologue

In my mind?

I wish I had the answers that

Distress me so.

No clues are revealed

From behind the ancient

Walls that will never crumble.

I am waiting for eternity

Locked in

A circle of darkness.

Summer 1991

 

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Lines Written in Exile

CRASH

BANG

THE BOTTOM FELL OUT

CLOUDS

RAIN

THE STORM IS RAGING INSIDE

AND I CANNOT GET AWAY

I WANT OUT

I WANT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

SOMETHING TO TAKE THIS WORLD AWAY

WHEN DOES IT STOP?

WHEN DO THE TEARS DRY UO?

JUST ONCE, I WOULD LIKE OT SEE

THIS RAINBOW THAT THEY SAY EXISTS.

 

IS ANYTHING REAL?

NOTHING LASTS

EXPECT PAIN. . .

IT JUST SUBSIDES FOR A BRIEF

MOMENT AND THEN SWELLS OVER THE BANKS

AND MY EMOTIONS FLOOD OVER.

 

II AM SWEPT AWAY BY THE NIGHTMARE.

SERENITY IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

NOT EVEN IN THE RECESSES OF MY MIND.

PEACE IS ONLY SOMETHING THAT

MONKS AND PRIEST PRAY FOR

AND MAN KEEPS US FROM.

ME?

I CANNOT WORRY ABOUT PEACE

I HAVE MY OWN BATTLES TO

FIGHT WITH THE DEMONS

THAT KEEP ME AWARE OF HOW FAR

FROM RESOLUTION I AM.

I SINK BACK DEEPLY

INTO THE QUARANTINE.

PESTILENCE SEEPS UNDER EVERY DOOR

WAITING AROUND EVERY CORNER TO ATTACK

AND DRAG MY WEARY FLESH INTO THIS HELLISH PIT CALLED LIFE.

 

DECEMBER 1992

 

Untitled #4

I sit in a quiet room

Thinking of what to write to you

There are so many things

That I would love to say to you but now I cannot.

The last time I saw you, you seemed hesitant to say

What was on my mind.

What was troubling you?

What would you not tell me?

 

I think of you so often the it has become a part of my every day.

Like waking up at Dawn, to meet the soft sunlight filtered into the room.

In fact, you are the first thing I think of as I awaken.

And the last thing I think of before I fall into the depths of sleep.

 

Last night I had such a strong urge to be near you.

I sat listening to the rain and dreamt of sitting by

Your side quietly talking and caressing your hand.

I dream of turning toward you after turning out the lights

And kissing your cheek as softly as the candlelight flooded the room.

 

Why do I feel so much for you

When everything and everyone would be so shocked if they knew?

Do I really feel this way?

Do you even know?

Could it just be my wanting to be loved?

But if this was the case,

Why are my dreams of you?

 

I guess all of my questions will

Never be answered

Especially when they are only

Asked by pen and paper.

I will continue to think of you and dream of being near.

Remember that these miles and our walls cannot hide you

From my world — at least not my dream world.

 

 

28 May 1991

Untitled #5

I wish you could see

The radiant moon

Shining through the clouds

That encircles it.

Through the misty windows.

I look out at the night

I dream of you and I

Together on a turbulent night,

Hidden from the darkness and

Danger of the stormy weather.

You and I lay there, in each other’s arms,

peacefully;

Yet there is a danger there

Between us.

The ultimate threat is not the devastation of the storm

Or the darkness of the night,

But rather our passion igniting this life.

Summer 1991

Little Things

The little things remind me of you

A song.

A tree.

The bridge where we walked and I cried.

A color.

A room.

All the sights of places we frequented together.

 

You ever think of me?

Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?

I do so very often,

More so than I would chose to admit.  Even to myself.

 

There are so many questions left unanswered.

And I guess, though, that I will always be plagued.

The way your smile and those green eyes plagued me.

 

I was day and you were night.

It seemed as though that’s how separate

our lives were; never to come together.

 

I wish I would have been more impulsive

Enough to meet you halfway in our clouded sky

but maybe it was not supposed to be that way.

 

Just a few words could have

made such a difference

but they were never spoken.

 

Would anything have been different?

I do know that you would have stirred my Soul

whether I had told you or not.

 

Sometimes I wish you had

not captivated my heart

and that I had never spoken those first words

But I was given so much.

Could I really have regrets?

 

I wanted to build a fortress

around you

and hide you from all the pain

that you felt inside.

But my fear of life and you

kept me from reaching out

the very way I wanted to.

I will never forget that mistake.

 

Instead of protecting you,

I locked myself away

in a tower on a hill

behind the walls

I fortified and all I wanted to hear was you call my name.

 

11 April 1991

 

Tides

You enter my life

Like the tides on the beach.

You rush in. . .

Erratically, swirling, turning, churning,

With excitement.

Any slide out of vision

Calmly as though you were never there.

All that remains is a few grains

of memories

of the beauty of our meeting.

 

Lines written before 1991