Loving You As You Age

Dear —

I know right now you’re going through a lot of changes and they can’t be easy for you; things that you used to do before are now more difficult. They take more energy, they take more thought, they even may take more skill than you have right now. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that the process of aging strips us from so much. We lose friends over time. We lose a job that we’ve done all our lives and therefore much of our identity that went along with that job. We start to feel that the world doesn’t need us anymore. That what we have to offer, to teach, to share, just doesn’t mean anything and that has got to be strangely isolating and scary and I would think from time to time that you might be wondering so what’s next.

I feel that pain and though I don’t know what it’s like to be older and aging or losing my capacity for doing things I’ve done all my life, I do know what fear and change and chaos I’ll feel like. I know what it’s like to have the feeling of not being needed or that your voice doesn’t matter, or even that you don’t matter. I know what it feels like to have someone tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about or that your ideas are outdated. As I sit and watch you, I wonder if maybe you’re having those feelings right now?

My heart opens and I can feel sadness for what’s going on right now. It’s not easy to be compassionate for ourselves when we’re feeling so bad. It’s not easy to be compassionate to one another when every day hassles seem to become bigger and more difficult to cope with. But instead of frustration or fear, I propose that we handle these things with love.

You know, maybe the kind of love that we were never given as kids. Maybe the kind of love we never found in our life. Or maybe the kind of love we’re not even sure we are capable of giving. But just love and acceptance for what’s going on and compassion for any pain that there might be, whether it be physical or mental or emotional or even spiritual.

Let today be the day that this gets turned around, that we give more love and more patience, more deep breaths, and even more sighs, if they’re able to bring into the here now and be present to each other.

So starting now I vow to give you more love than I feel like I ever received from you.

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Shall We

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Shall we dance?

No, stand still and feel

My heart expand.

Shall we run?

No, this is the place for

Staying, breathing, and

holding space.

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, it is hard to

Hold unbounded space

For another

Or one’s self,

Hard, but not impossible.

 

Shall we count the stars?

No, be silent and be filled

With the luminosity and the Universe.

Shall I lay still?

How can I when your music

Sweetly saturates my core

Senses and opens me to new realms.

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, seconds feel like

Centuries, and just one breath

Can send the wheel spinning,

Creating lifetimes of birth and death,

Spontaneously helping us to break free.

 

Shall we die?

Yes, but not unto each other,

But rather

Into each of our new selves.

Shall we rush to love?

Yes, what else could

This life be for, other than

Cultivating loving?

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, there is only

Time for love.

 

1/2/04

 

 

This Time

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The magic of the circle. . .

Never born, never dies

The magic of the night

Calls out the spell

To being me home and to

Bring me out of myself.

 

I hold your hand as I have

For a thousand life times,

And you lead me into the

Realm of the deepest Unknown,

As time and space dissolve

Into our very cell memory.

 

But this journey is different

As never before, and never again.

Enchantment is but a fleeting moment

Not a lifetime’s art and craft.

 

We have made an oath to seek each other

Until time no longer is.

This dance between spirits has

Been altered by the elements, the wind, and the sea.

 

Instead of intermingling, entwining,

Dancing like fire fairies

Free and unencumbered

We walk mindfully

Step in front of step

Parallel and similar and yet secluded

Toward the same goal.

 

Our closeness is distant.

The spin of the wheel, the Infinite Circle of All,

And things are altered so quickly.

Birth and death are but one fleeting moment

And will not be changed,

awaiting the next round to begin.

 

Only one choice and

Heaven and Earth revolve until

Sense cannot be found and logic is but like the mist

On the dawn’s eve.

 

Prayers upon a flame

Seem to fly off into the night sky

Never to be heard by man,

But only by the gods.

9/4/04

 

 

Holding

Since my doctor took me off of a medication I’ve been on for the past 20 years, one that I feel like has contributed to a lot of pain I’ve experienced, I have found new insights and had a shift in my body awareness.

I don’t have the same level of chronically tightened muscles. In the past, I’ve had horrible muscle tension in my traps, shoulders, upper neck, jaw, temples, and occipital area. My muscles feel more pliable and relaxed unless I am having an issue with a migraine. Then my body tightens up but seems to better relax when I have the occasional day without pain. And I still have referred pain and trigger points but again, they don’t seem to be as intense all the time.

What I have become aware of is what I refer to as holding. I may be laying in bed, “relaxing” and find that I’ve braved my body. I may have my jaw clenched or have a part of my body stiffened. I can be laying there and realize that if I take a deep breath and exhale, I can sink into the bed or the pillows more fully.

I find I am more aware of this absent-minded behavior at a variety of times. I may be sitting at the kitchen table watching the birds. Or I may be laying on my yoga mat, sitting on the couch crocheting, etc. I’m not sure what originally caused me to do this — I’ve injured my spine several times, have been in several car accidents, and had some sort of chronic pain on and off for 30 years. Perhaps at first it was a positive adaptation? But it has long since lost its effectiveness and is contributing to my overall pain and suffering.

I find that simple breath work and I asking to myself, once I become aware of the tension seems to help. But I always try to change the situation in a mindful, thoughtful way so that I train my body that it’s overkill or exaggerated or unnecessary.

So, scan your body right now. Simply allow your mind to become aware of how your body feels starting with your head. Move this awareness down to your neck, shoulders, upper back, arms, etc. Do you feel any excessive “holding”, bracing, tightness, or do you even feel like you are holding your breath? If so, simply say to yourself “relax”, breath in, and consciously release the muscles and allow them to loosen up. Scan different parts of your body, initially scan large areas first. As you get comfortable with the practice, let your mindfulness get more specific. Over time, you will find you don’t even have to scan as much or you will see a pattern of where you chronically hold yourself and start there.

I dedicate the benefits of this new awareness to all those who are in pain and who are suffering. May the awareness that I have found be helpful to anyone suffering with chronic or acute pain.

After you have tried the exercise a time or two, please drop a note and let me know how it goes. Feel free to share any insight, changes, or experiences you have.

May you be free from suffering and the roots of suffering. May you be at ease and find comfort.

Friends Needed

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I’ve forgotten how much I need friends in my life.  For various reasons, I have not had any friends close by for the past 8 years.  Well, I do know why.  My pain got so bad and when it did, my world became smaller and smaller.

If you have never suffered from prolonged pain, and I’m not sure which word to emphasize there. . . suffer, prolonged, pain. . . then you might not know or understand that the person in pain can develop tunnel vision.  You see, my life became a horrible ritual.  I got up every morning, exhausted, in pain from head to foot, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, jealous, and crushed.  I went to a job that was not congruent with any part of my life, except possibly my purse and even that was questionable.  I prayed throughout the day for the day to speed by but instead, by the end, each moment ticked by in agonizing slowness.  Every experience chipped away at my soul and every encounter hurt — someone’s voice being too loud, someone’s stale cigar smoke and body odor was overwhelming strong, someone’s laugh bore right into my bones, or someone’s criticism or demands on me sent my spirit crashing because I had no energy to give to anything or anyone.

The other thing that I found is that nothing seemed to fill the voids.  Sleep didn’t solve exhaustion.  Medications didn’t relax muscles or take away anxiety like their names promised.  And it wasn’t just one medication, it was egg cartons of them.  Ok, that is an exaggeration.  But at one time, I probably took a total of 10 pills a day and still had horrible pain more than half of any given week or month.  I prayed a lot.  For sleep to come quickly.  For the hours of 5:30-10:30pm to speed up so that I did not have hours of pain after work that would be filled with sitting in a dark living room, just staring.  And it would start again the next day.  Every weekend, I spent time at my family’s house, checking in on my elderly parents, and trying to act semi-social and not let my pain ruin those relationships.

But, yes, other people meant pain or pain triggers.  I had no control over sights, smells, energy levels, etc.  And pain or pain triggers?  Heck, I had enough of them in my life, why would I want other people to contribute to that?  I remember saying to someone, “No, I’m not going to lunch.  I don’t like that person enough to possibly end up in a situation where I’d have pain because of them.”  When the pain was bad, things like going to the grocery store was a nightmare.  Yes, I had to gone down the aisle with all the scented products, that was bad enough.  But then there were food triggers I had to avoid and when you are tired, in pain, trying to avoid more pain, and just wanting to go home and cease to exist, every food seems scary and a pain threat potential.

So there was no room for people, places, and things.  That’s not an excuse, that’s just what life became and I had no one to talk to about this.  No one to say, take a deep breath, and let’s figure out a way to live with your chronic pain.  Instead, my world became just me.  I had an incredible send off at my last job.  So much love and so many well-wishes.  I got lovely cards and clients who were so sad to see me go.  At that point, I was still good at hiding my pain from just about everyone.  It was so nice.  And many of my colleagues were just as sweet, some very good friends.  And I pushed them all away after I left.  I didn’t answer phone calls or cards.  I didn’t have the energy to drive an hour to have lunch or visit with them.  And they were all people whom I loved.  What if they wanted to go out for Asian food?  What if they had on cologne or fabric softener?  What if they laughed too loud or god, what if they wanted or expected something from me when I was now running for years on empty.  So, I pushed everyone away.  I even pushed long distance friends away.

I’m away from that life now.  And I’m rebuilding.  I’m revising my healing plan, dealing with my chronic illness in new ways, stretching my spiritual self, trying to eat healthier, do yoga, exercise, search, pray or chant, meditate, do biofeedback, journal, blog, write poetry, listen to books, read when not in pain, take up hobbies again, etc, etc, etc.  But somethings been missing and I have had a hard time putting my finger on it.

And then tonight, I got a call from an old friend, someone who knows me from decades ago, before the pain issues, in a different world.  We reconnected because of a post on facebook and when we talked tonight, it was like being in college again, or shortly thereafter.  It was someone who didn’t laugh at my accent or question my choice of words.  This person loves me and my story, my her-story and I felt so blessed.  This is one of my very favorite people and despite our lives going in very different ways and our temperaments being very different, this person is genuinely and honestly dear from the inside out.  What I noticed as she spoke was such a gentleness of spirit and a tender-heartedness.  I was so glad that we had reached out to one another and I made sure before we hung up that we planned to be in touch again.

What our call reminded me of was that I had been so one’s friend in the past.  I had people who I cared about and who cared about me.  There was a time when people weren’t scary or associated with pain or potential pain.  I knew that she wouldn’t judge me for not wearing make up or being or for being in a foul mood.  She knows me.  She’d probably laugh, tell me to take a nap, and call her when I felt better or she’d just say that she knew I was hurting and wished it wasn’t so.  Ah, how I miss having people around who could say that.  “I’m sorry it sucks and when you’re up for it, I’m here”.

If you know someone who has chronic pain, please don’t feel bad if they disappear and re-emerge.  Don’t be put off if they cancel plans or aren’t always there.  We never know what someone else is going through and most people don’t tell you what they are going through, even when you are super close.  But don’t turn away as it could be just when you don’t close the door that you save someone’s life.

To my friend, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and sharing your story.  The greatest gift you have ever given me has been that you have shared your heart and your spirit with me.

For everyone else, I wish you a peaceful evening.

As a reflection for tonight:

Think about the people or person that makes you feel like no one else can.  Imagine that person’s smile, either a time in your life when you shared laughter or that person gave you a smile, letting you know that everything would be okay.  Remember the laugh lines near the mouth, or the way the light bounced off their eyes.  Remember the way they tossed their hair or held their head.  Remember the moments you shared silently, not having to say a word but understanding that there was a deep un-ending compassion and complete unconditional regard and love between you.  Remember that moment when you feel alone or when you are in your darkest time.  Remember that look at 2am when you can’t reach out or 1000 miles away when you can’t feel that person’s hug.  Remember that part of a cultivated and lasting friendship is that that person touches within you the deepest, greatest, and best part of you and you do the same for that person.  If you feel alone, allow yourself to get in touch with that part of you that was fostered in relation to that person.

May you rise tomorrow to light and warmth.  May you be at ease and be free from lasting suffering.  

May you remember that this moment is the only moment that matters and that it is fleeting so pay attention to it and know that if your mind labels it bad or off or wrong, it will be over before you know it.  

May you always know that things change and don’t last.  For better and for worse, nothing lasts, except for true uncensored love.  

May you find freedom in your relationships, comfort in each other’s words, solace in each other’s smile, and delight in each other’s triumphs.  

May you never go to sleep without saying I’m sorry or forgive me.

May you feel your connection to everything in the world and remember that you and I are made of the stuff of stars.  

May you allow yourself to simply be.

 

 

 

 

The Empty Chair

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There is now for us,

An empty chair

That sits and waits

For no one to return to it.

 

Our circle once cast by chance

Is now broken.

Despite our wishes and prayers

We grapple with reality

As our hearts and minds

Attempt to make sense of

What we cannot comprehend.

 

We know, in our lives, that

People are not with us

For a lifetime, but often

For only a time in life.

Too often this goes unrecognized

In our world

And we miss the simple grace

That accompanies sitting together

In the circle.

 

We struggle in the midst

Of days flurried with activity,

To make room for silence,

To appreciate our small blessings,

And catch glimpses of our most profound lessons.

 

Today, we take the time to honor and embrace

The common that may be sparked

As one soul crosses another’s path,

Even now as we sit in the circle

Where the empty chair awaits

For no one to return.

12/1/2004

For Shelley

Communication

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We live our lives in relative solitude.

Our aims at communication are to

reach out beyond the bondage of aloneness,

to try to share our inner self with another.

We are driven toward finding this bond of

communication.  We can never really

absolutes — toward communication

or toward true shunning our total solitude.

The closest we can come to perfection

of this is in love and in trust.

3/1/93