Shall We

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Shall we dance?

No, stand still and feel

My heart expand.

Shall we run?

No, this is the place for

Staying, breathing, and

holding space.

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, it is hard to

Hold unbounded space

For another

Or one’s self,

Hard, but not impossible.

 

Shall we count the stars?

No, be silent and be filled

With the luminosity and the Universe.

Shall I lay still?

How can I when your music

Sweetly saturates my core

Senses and opens me to new realms.

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, seconds feel like

Centuries, and just one breath

Can send the wheel spinning,

Creating lifetimes of birth and death,

Spontaneously helping us to break free.

 

Shall we die?

Yes, but not unto each other,

But rather

Into each of our new selves.

Shall we rush to love?

Yes, what else could

This life be for, other than

Cultivating loving?

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, there is only

Time for love.

 

1/2/04

 

 

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What Do You Think?

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I read time and time again, “The Body Heals Itself”.  What do you think about that?  Do you believe that the body is wise and eventually under the right circumstances rights itself and moves back to a state of healing?

Do you believe that we are born perfect and with time, wear and tear, and age, grow less perfect and more diseased and aged?

Do you believe that we are born with potential and grow and thrive?

Are we talking about the body anymore or are we talking about the whole of human existence?

Can we be healed but not cured?  Can we be unhealthy in body but stellar in mind and spirit?

If we have an affliction of the body, are mind and spirit automatically affected?

If any part of us, mind, body, or spirit is affected, can we be whole, healthy, perfect or perfectly good?

Do certain parts of your body hold certain emotions or messages for you?

Do we hold stress or fear or other strong emotions in our body or are our bodies a reflection of our psycho-spiritual state?

I’ll be honest.  I am not sure what I believe anymore.  My training was to believe that under the right circumstances, people moved toward healing.  With support in place, a container to maintain their needs, a safe space to explore, people healed that which was ill and that it was the lack of these things that created dis-ease in their lives.  But I’m not sure.

I’ve come off a time in my life, well, a “past life” so to speak, where I saw the worst in people.  I saw everyone hustling, playing the system, you know, working it.  I saw people always taking the path of least resistance and sometimes actually running away from opportunities for growth or nurturance.  It shattered all my beliefs, all that I had come to hold true and dear.  If you’ve read other posts, you know I’m on a search and creating a new life.  Part of that new life is looking at what I believe and throwing out what doesn’t work anymore and reconnecting with truths that still hit me in my core.

So I’m asking you, what do you believe?  Are we innately wise beings that find our way to healing?  Are we created in the image of something divine and whole and no matter what we are in this world, we are whole and perfect in another world?  Do you believe that we’re dealt a hand of cards and we are nothing more than muscle, tissue, synapses?

Until the next blog post,

May you be healthy and thriving.

May you be filled with light and joy.

May you reconnect with the little things that bring you great happiness.

May you have peace of mind and be on solid ground.

May you love and be compassionate while being loved and shown great forgiveness.

May you be at ease and at peace.  

 

Powerful Prayer

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One of my favorite prayers is actually not a prayer, well, not what most of you would think was a prayer.  It’s what is called a gathas, which I learned years ago when I became a student of Thich Nhat Hanh, a wise Vietnamese Monk who has made a huge difference in my life.

The words are simple and easy to remember, as easy to remember as “Now I lay me down to sleep. . . ” that we all remember learning as children.

I have arrived

I am home

In the here and

in the now

I am solid

I am free

In the ultimate I dwell

There is a translation of the gatha in the book “I have arrived, I am home:  Celebrating Twenty Years of Plum Village Life” by Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is also some simple sheet music and if I am not mistaken, there are a number of recordings of the gatha being sung on YouTube.

But, I have no singing voice despite being in choir as a child for 5 years so I use the gatha as a chant, with or without a mala.  Gathas, like mantras, can be powerful in helping a person deal with anxiety or panic.  Like affirmations, reciting a gatha (or a mantra) helps to focus your mind, fill your mind with positive thoughts, and help snuff out negative, self-limiting, harmful, or unhealthy thoughts.  They are also helpful when dealing with pain or disease like cancer (or coping with treatment).

This prayer reminds me of so many things.  First and foremost, I’m whole and right just as I am.  Every present moment is perfect and for a reason.  I haven’t always believed that but I think I do again.  If I don’t believe it, it is a belief I want to have.  If not, what’s the purpose?  I tried to be an existentialist and all I found is a lot of angst.  Instead, I choose to see the world from this point of view and believe there is meaning and purpose in the way things are.

When I was first introduced to this prayer, I cried and cried as I recited it because I felt so far from home.  I had moved away from my home state and felt like a stranger in a strange land.  I longed for the sun and seashore and felt so land-locked in the horridly flat and scorched plains I found myself living in.

But then I realized that it wasn’t about my home, my birthplace, and the millions of street corners and houses or sea shells I had left behind.  It wasn’t even about the people who I had loved when I lived there and the souls who had left me before I left.  It was about me and that I could be at home with myself, in myself, and that I could find solid footing anywhere my seat was.

And over time and because of circumstances, my chronic pain and other things I’ve written about in other posts, I got away from the practice of either chanting this gathas or taking time throughout the year to write about what this gatha means to me.  And that’s the great thing about gathas. . . each time you sit with them, well, over time, they come to mean different things.  They seem to unleash their wisdom in the moment, where you are in your life.  They are kind of like tarot cards in that they give you something to think about, something to reflect on and in return, they act as a mirror for what your interior experience is at any given time.

So I invite you, to sit with paper and pen, on your favorite chair or meditation cushion, in your car before you walk in from your day at work or when you take your lunch down to the river. . . and allow these words to fall over you like a warm mist.  Let them sink into your pores like a thick rich moisturizer and let your body and soul drink in the nourishment.  Allow the words to take their time and do their job.  There is no right or wrong way for you to relate to the words and perhaps they mean little to you, though, if you are reading this blog, even by chance, I know that the words will hold a special magic or a message for your soul.

Please share your thoughts, feelings, or comments about this gathas or share other prayers or sayings that touch you and give you pause to reflect.

Until the next time,

May your pen and paper be the vehicles for great freedom.  May your soul feel nurtured and cared for.  

May you have time in your busy-ness to reflect and ponder.  

May you remember to raise your eyes from your computer or phone screen and see what’s in front of you with soft eyes.   

May you be at ease and free from suffering.  

May you be surrounded in light and warmth or any other conditions that soothe your spirit.

May you be at peace or any other state that is congruent to your healing.

 

Friends Needed

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I’ve forgotten how much I need friends in my life.  For various reasons, I have not had any friends close by for the past 8 years.  Well, I do know why.  My pain got so bad and when it did, my world became smaller and smaller.

If you have never suffered from prolonged pain, and I’m not sure which word to emphasize there. . . suffer, prolonged, pain. . . then you might not know or understand that the person in pain can develop tunnel vision.  You see, my life became a horrible ritual.  I got up every morning, exhausted, in pain from head to foot, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, jealous, and crushed.  I went to a job that was not congruent with any part of my life, except possibly my purse and even that was questionable.  I prayed throughout the day for the day to speed by but instead, by the end, each moment ticked by in agonizing slowness.  Every experience chipped away at my soul and every encounter hurt — someone’s voice being too loud, someone’s stale cigar smoke and body odor was overwhelming strong, someone’s laugh bore right into my bones, or someone’s criticism or demands on me sent my spirit crashing because I had no energy to give to anything or anyone.

The other thing that I found is that nothing seemed to fill the voids.  Sleep didn’t solve exhaustion.  Medications didn’t relax muscles or take away anxiety like their names promised.  And it wasn’t just one medication, it was egg cartons of them.  Ok, that is an exaggeration.  But at one time, I probably took a total of 10 pills a day and still had horrible pain more than half of any given week or month.  I prayed a lot.  For sleep to come quickly.  For the hours of 5:30-10:30pm to speed up so that I did not have hours of pain after work that would be filled with sitting in a dark living room, just staring.  And it would start again the next day.  Every weekend, I spent time at my family’s house, checking in on my elderly parents, and trying to act semi-social and not let my pain ruin those relationships.

But, yes, other people meant pain or pain triggers.  I had no control over sights, smells, energy levels, etc.  And pain or pain triggers?  Heck, I had enough of them in my life, why would I want other people to contribute to that?  I remember saying to someone, “No, I’m not going to lunch.  I don’t like that person enough to possibly end up in a situation where I’d have pain because of them.”  When the pain was bad, things like going to the grocery store was a nightmare.  Yes, I had to gone down the aisle with all the scented products, that was bad enough.  But then there were food triggers I had to avoid and when you are tired, in pain, trying to avoid more pain, and just wanting to go home and cease to exist, every food seems scary and a pain threat potential.

So there was no room for people, places, and things.  That’s not an excuse, that’s just what life became and I had no one to talk to about this.  No one to say, take a deep breath, and let’s figure out a way to live with your chronic pain.  Instead, my world became just me.  I had an incredible send off at my last job.  So much love and so many well-wishes.  I got lovely cards and clients who were so sad to see me go.  At that point, I was still good at hiding my pain from just about everyone.  It was so nice.  And many of my colleagues were just as sweet, some very good friends.  And I pushed them all away after I left.  I didn’t answer phone calls or cards.  I didn’t have the energy to drive an hour to have lunch or visit with them.  And they were all people whom I loved.  What if they wanted to go out for Asian food?  What if they had on cologne or fabric softener?  What if they laughed too loud or god, what if they wanted or expected something from me when I was now running for years on empty.  So, I pushed everyone away.  I even pushed long distance friends away.

I’m away from that life now.  And I’m rebuilding.  I’m revising my healing plan, dealing with my chronic illness in new ways, stretching my spiritual self, trying to eat healthier, do yoga, exercise, search, pray or chant, meditate, do biofeedback, journal, blog, write poetry, listen to books, read when not in pain, take up hobbies again, etc, etc, etc.  But somethings been missing and I have had a hard time putting my finger on it.

And then tonight, I got a call from an old friend, someone who knows me from decades ago, before the pain issues, in a different world.  We reconnected because of a post on facebook and when we talked tonight, it was like being in college again, or shortly thereafter.  It was someone who didn’t laugh at my accent or question my choice of words.  This person loves me and my story, my her-story and I felt so blessed.  This is one of my very favorite people and despite our lives going in very different ways and our temperaments being very different, this person is genuinely and honestly dear from the inside out.  What I noticed as she spoke was such a gentleness of spirit and a tender-heartedness.  I was so glad that we had reached out to one another and I made sure before we hung up that we planned to be in touch again.

What our call reminded me of was that I had been so one’s friend in the past.  I had people who I cared about and who cared about me.  There was a time when people weren’t scary or associated with pain or potential pain.  I knew that she wouldn’t judge me for not wearing make up or being or for being in a foul mood.  She knows me.  She’d probably laugh, tell me to take a nap, and call her when I felt better or she’d just say that she knew I was hurting and wished it wasn’t so.  Ah, how I miss having people around who could say that.  “I’m sorry it sucks and when you’re up for it, I’m here”.

If you know someone who has chronic pain, please don’t feel bad if they disappear and re-emerge.  Don’t be put off if they cancel plans or aren’t always there.  We never know what someone else is going through and most people don’t tell you what they are going through, even when you are super close.  But don’t turn away as it could be just when you don’t close the door that you save someone’s life.

To my friend, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and sharing your story.  The greatest gift you have ever given me has been that you have shared your heart and your spirit with me.

For everyone else, I wish you a peaceful evening.

As a reflection for tonight:

Think about the people or person that makes you feel like no one else can.  Imagine that person’s smile, either a time in your life when you shared laughter or that person gave you a smile, letting you know that everything would be okay.  Remember the laugh lines near the mouth, or the way the light bounced off their eyes.  Remember the way they tossed their hair or held their head.  Remember the moments you shared silently, not having to say a word but understanding that there was a deep un-ending compassion and complete unconditional regard and love between you.  Remember that moment when you feel alone or when you are in your darkest time.  Remember that look at 2am when you can’t reach out or 1000 miles away when you can’t feel that person’s hug.  Remember that part of a cultivated and lasting friendship is that that person touches within you the deepest, greatest, and best part of you and you do the same for that person.  If you feel alone, allow yourself to get in touch with that part of you that was fostered in relation to that person.

May you rise tomorrow to light and warmth.  May you be at ease and be free from lasting suffering.  

May you remember that this moment is the only moment that matters and that it is fleeting so pay attention to it and know that if your mind labels it bad or off or wrong, it will be over before you know it.  

May you always know that things change and don’t last.  For better and for worse, nothing lasts, except for true uncensored love.  

May you find freedom in your relationships, comfort in each other’s words, solace in each other’s smile, and delight in each other’s triumphs.  

May you never go to sleep without saying I’m sorry or forgive me.

May you feel your connection to everything in the world and remember that you and I are made of the stuff of stars.  

May you allow yourself to simply be.

 

 

 

 

They Came Back — Back to the Book

So in a post on New Year’s Day, I mentioned that I had done the Basic Exercise from Rosenberg’s book and woke up with no pain and had no migraine on New Year’s Day.  All true.  I had a migraine the next day and have been migraine-y since.  But the barometer has been fluctuating like crazy and it’s been below zero.  But I feel like another tool is down the drain.  But not really.  I’m going to go back to the book and see what the Migraine Massage is and perhaps try that.

I’ll post after I go back to the book and come up with a plan.

Until the next time,

Chronic Pain Metta

May you be pain-free if you can be.   May you not suffer if you do have pain.  If you are suffering, may you know you are not alone.  May you find a way to ease your suffering.  (I am going to post some books on the resource page for you to check out regarding suffering and chronic pain.)  May you find ways to have compassion for yourself and patience with those around you.  May you be free and safe.

 

Ties

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To think that the things that

have kept me so isolated and

alone in my journey here

have brought us together,

makes no sense.

But does life or love have to

make sense?

Who ever said that it would?

 

I see you and I feel alive.

My eyes seek out the slightest

glimpse of your shadow.

When I do make contact,

I withdraw and forget to notice us.

How do you feel?

How clouded is my judgment?

 

I feel so connected.

And yet so distant?

I know so much and so little about you.

But they do not seem

like black and white differences.

they blind into a fuzzy, faded

rainbow-colored fog that blinds

me to reality.

You, alone, are now my reality.

 

11/28/92

 

 

Using Rosenberg’s Exercise

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So, it was after midnight my time on New Year’s Eve. . .well, technically, New Year’s morning and my family had finally gone to sleep.  I climbed into the overstuffed recliner and threw a cozy blanket over me.  The room was only lit with the white lights of the Christmas tree and the only noise was a few fireworks being shot off my some neighbors.

I settled into the chair and spent some time on the Basic Exercise.  I looked to the left for 90 seconds and looked to the right for 90 seconds with my hands behind my head.  And then I did the Salamander Exercise which is similar to the Basic Exercise.  I never experienced a sigh or a yawn but I felt very relaxed and my neck and shoulders stretched out.  I spent some time, before sitting up, moving my neck in circles and moving my head from side to side.  I sat up and did some shoulder rolls and another stretch I just learned in a yoga video.

The room seemed a little brighter and I felt tired.  Of course it was between 1-2 am and it had been a long day without my usual nap.  But the pain that I constantly have in my shoulder (my trapezoid) seemed to ease a bit.  This shoulder has been chronically in pain for over 20 years and despite Botox and trigger point shots has given me a lot of trouble.  My neck moved more freely before I went to bed but as I moved it, the movement was jerky and awkward.  Still, it was better range of motion than before.

This morning I woke up and had no pain in my should and for almost all of today, the pain stayed at bay.  Today was the first day in months that I showed no sign of migraine and did not need to take a NSAID or muscle relaxant.  Was it the exercise?  I’m not sure.  I plan to do them again in a few days but it was nice to start the new day off with no pain and a decent amount of energy.  I’ve learned to savor these days because they are few and far between.  Rosenberry has some other activities that I plan to do this week and will refer to them as I finish my posts on his book and the Polyvagal Theory.

So tonight, may you be free from suffering and the roots of suffering.  May you find the grace to live with your problems but not be defined by them.  May you have the good fortune to have a loving family and a deeply connected family of friends that stand by your side through the good and bad.  May you be at ease and know pain-free moments.

These are my wishes for you.