Loving You As You Age

Dear —

I know right now you’re going through a lot of changes and they can’t be easy for you; things that you used to do before are now more difficult. They take more energy, they take more thought, they even may take more skill than you have right now. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that the process of aging strips us from so much. We lose friends over time. We lose a job that we’ve done all our lives and therefore much of our identity that went along with that job. We start to feel that the world doesn’t need us anymore. That what we have to offer, to teach, to share, just doesn’t mean anything and that has got to be strangely isolating and scary and I would think from time to time that you might be wondering so what’s next.

I feel that pain and though I don’t know what it’s like to be older and aging or losing my capacity for doing things I’ve done all my life, I do know what fear and change and chaos I’ll feel like. I know what it’s like to have the feeling of not being needed or that your voice doesn’t matter, or even that you don’t matter. I know what it feels like to have someone tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about or that your ideas are outdated. As I sit and watch you, I wonder if maybe you’re having those feelings right now?

My heart opens and I can feel sadness for what’s going on right now. It’s not easy to be compassionate for ourselves when we’re feeling so bad. It’s not easy to be compassionate to one another when every day hassles seem to become bigger and more difficult to cope with. But instead of frustration or fear, I propose that we handle these things with love.

You know, maybe the kind of love that we were never given as kids. Maybe the kind of love we never found in our life. Or maybe the kind of love we’re not even sure we are capable of giving. But just love and acceptance for what’s going on and compassion for any pain that there might be, whether it be physical or mental or emotional or even spiritual.

Let today be the day that this gets turned around, that we give more love and more patience, more deep breaths, and even more sighs, if they’re able to bring into the here now and be present to each other.

So starting now I vow to give you more love than I feel like I ever received from you.

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What Do You Think?

th

I read time and time again, “The Body Heals Itself”.  What do you think about that?  Do you believe that the body is wise and eventually under the right circumstances rights itself and moves back to a state of healing?

Do you believe that we are born perfect and with time, wear and tear, and age, grow less perfect and more diseased and aged?

Do you believe that we are born with potential and grow and thrive?

Are we talking about the body anymore or are we talking about the whole of human existence?

Can we be healed but not cured?  Can we be unhealthy in body but stellar in mind and spirit?

If we have an affliction of the body, are mind and spirit automatically affected?

If any part of us, mind, body, or spirit is affected, can we be whole, healthy, perfect or perfectly good?

Do certain parts of your body hold certain emotions or messages for you?

Do we hold stress or fear or other strong emotions in our body or are our bodies a reflection of our psycho-spiritual state?

I’ll be honest.  I am not sure what I believe anymore.  My training was to believe that under the right circumstances, people moved toward healing.  With support in place, a container to maintain their needs, a safe space to explore, people healed that which was ill and that it was the lack of these things that created dis-ease in their lives.  But I’m not sure.

I’ve come off a time in my life, well, a “past life” so to speak, where I saw the worst in people.  I saw everyone hustling, playing the system, you know, working it.  I saw people always taking the path of least resistance and sometimes actually running away from opportunities for growth or nurturance.  It shattered all my beliefs, all that I had come to hold true and dear.  If you’ve read other posts, you know I’m on a search and creating a new life.  Part of that new life is looking at what I believe and throwing out what doesn’t work anymore and reconnecting with truths that still hit me in my core.

So I’m asking you, what do you believe?  Are we innately wise beings that find our way to healing?  Are we created in the image of something divine and whole and no matter what we are in this world, we are whole and perfect in another world?  Do you believe that we’re dealt a hand of cards and we are nothing more than muscle, tissue, synapses?

Until the next blog post,

May you be healthy and thriving.

May you be filled with light and joy.

May you reconnect with the little things that bring you great happiness.

May you have peace of mind and be on solid ground.

May you love and be compassionate while being loved and shown great forgiveness.

May you be at ease and at peace.  

 

Powerful Prayer

th

One of my favorite prayers is actually not a prayer, well, not what most of you would think was a prayer.  It’s what is called a gathas, which I learned years ago when I became a student of Thich Nhat Hanh, a wise Vietnamese Monk who has made a huge difference in my life.

The words are simple and easy to remember, as easy to remember as “Now I lay me down to sleep. . . ” that we all remember learning as children.

I have arrived

I am home

In the here and

in the now

I am solid

I am free

In the ultimate I dwell

There is a translation of the gatha in the book “I have arrived, I am home:  Celebrating Twenty Years of Plum Village Life” by Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is also some simple sheet music and if I am not mistaken, there are a number of recordings of the gatha being sung on YouTube.

But, I have no singing voice despite being in choir as a child for 5 years so I use the gatha as a chant, with or without a mala.  Gathas, like mantras, can be powerful in helping a person deal with anxiety or panic.  Like affirmations, reciting a gatha (or a mantra) helps to focus your mind, fill your mind with positive thoughts, and help snuff out negative, self-limiting, harmful, or unhealthy thoughts.  They are also helpful when dealing with pain or disease like cancer (or coping with treatment).

This prayer reminds me of so many things.  First and foremost, I’m whole and right just as I am.  Every present moment is perfect and for a reason.  I haven’t always believed that but I think I do again.  If I don’t believe it, it is a belief I want to have.  If not, what’s the purpose?  I tried to be an existentialist and all I found is a lot of angst.  Instead, I choose to see the world from this point of view and believe there is meaning and purpose in the way things are.

When I was first introduced to this prayer, I cried and cried as I recited it because I felt so far from home.  I had moved away from my home state and felt like a stranger in a strange land.  I longed for the sun and seashore and felt so land-locked in the horridly flat and scorched plains I found myself living in.

But then I realized that it wasn’t about my home, my birthplace, and the millions of street corners and houses or sea shells I had left behind.  It wasn’t even about the people who I had loved when I lived there and the souls who had left me before I left.  It was about me and that I could be at home with myself, in myself, and that I could find solid footing anywhere my seat was.

And over time and because of circumstances, my chronic pain and other things I’ve written about in other posts, I got away from the practice of either chanting this gathas or taking time throughout the year to write about what this gatha means to me.  And that’s the great thing about gathas. . . each time you sit with them, well, over time, they come to mean different things.  They seem to unleash their wisdom in the moment, where you are in your life.  They are kind of like tarot cards in that they give you something to think about, something to reflect on and in return, they act as a mirror for what your interior experience is at any given time.

So I invite you, to sit with paper and pen, on your favorite chair or meditation cushion, in your car before you walk in from your day at work or when you take your lunch down to the river. . . and allow these words to fall over you like a warm mist.  Let them sink into your pores like a thick rich moisturizer and let your body and soul drink in the nourishment.  Allow the words to take their time and do their job.  There is no right or wrong way for you to relate to the words and perhaps they mean little to you, though, if you are reading this blog, even by chance, I know that the words will hold a special magic or a message for your soul.

Please share your thoughts, feelings, or comments about this gathas or share other prayers or sayings that touch you and give you pause to reflect.

Until the next time,

May your pen and paper be the vehicles for great freedom.  May your soul feel nurtured and cared for.  

May you have time in your busy-ness to reflect and ponder.  

May you remember to raise your eyes from your computer or phone screen and see what’s in front of you with soft eyes.   

May you be at ease and free from suffering.  

May you be surrounded in light and warmth or any other conditions that soothe your spirit.

May you be at peace or any other state that is congruent to your healing.

 

Merging

th

Energy flows through

Enlivening my flesh.

Alignment caused by

A spark and a sound. . .

If this is true,

Then what could come

From a touch of your hand

Placed gently on the

small of my back

or over my heart?

 

Long restless nights

Keep me yearning for more. . .

Tell me, teach me,

I yearn to be what I can’t ignore.

Moments away seem

Colder and gray

Until my mind is ignited

Yet again by your wit.

 

Spirit, specter, you’ve

Invaded my world,

So quickly being even more

Than I could yearn for.

A low throaty laugh,

A telling moment of silence,

A challenge to search deeper

Than I thought I could explore.

 

A rhythm so profound

It causes my heart to lapse

Into harmony and peace

As each pulse of my blood

Keeps time in this

Grand revelation.

 

Light invades

Each corner that was darkened

For so long,

Until no secrets were left

And only spirit is left whole.

 

The sound of the bell

Sets my head spinning

Just thinking of the

Challenge about to begin.

Each cell expands

Fully into Grace as I inhale

And prepare a way from this place.

 

Enliven my senses,

Cleanse my being,

Make me believe

More than I’m seeing.

Question me, tease me,,

Let your light massage my mind

As my spirit becomes free

To merge into the One.

12/2003

In Memory of MM

 

 

I’m back. . .

th

So sorry I’ve been away for a few days.  Where I live the barometer has been bouncing all over the place for the past 10 days and I’ve been in a lot of pain.  I’m pretty sure that it’s been the weather as I’ve had no stress at all.  I’ve been doing yoga, meditation, on two new meds for pain, doing some biofeedback, and really watching my food intake.  I could also tell because my mom, who has fibromyalgia, has been in horrible pain all week.

I’ve downloaded a number of things from Audible.com including:  Kum Nye Relaxation (several things from this) by Tarthang Tulku.  I downloaded You Are Not Your Pain by Danny Penman and Vidyamala Burch, Energy of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, and The World of Relaxation by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  I’m looking forward to checking this out.

One thing that I want to set up, before January is over, is a schedule for all of the things I’m doing:  meditation, yoga, biofeedback, etc.  And I want to schedule time each day to read and to write on the blog.  I have come to accept that I’m going to have times like this when I am down for the count for reasons beyond my control, like the weather.  I did all I could and still had a lot of pain.  Instead of getting ticked off or thinking that it will “always be that way”, I have to accept that it’s not a week or day or hour to read but maybe it’s the time to crochet or nap or do something else.  But it won’t last forever.  And I just have to have patience and wait for things to change.

Anyway, today I didn’t wait to get a migraine because I knew I had a dental appointment so I took my cycle breaker and went to the appointment.  Happily, I never got a headache and was in minimal pain today.  Yeah for the changing tides of weather. So we’ll see what my PA has to say.  I can’t be on a cycle breaker (meds that I take to break a cycle of migraines that has lasted for several days despite medication to abort it in its tracks) all the time so I’ll have to let her know that my preventative medication isn’t doing enough to counteract the weather fluctuations.

I’m doing everything else like I’m supposed… two meals a day, water, sleep, staying away from trigger foods, staying stress-free or with minimal stress, watching my BP with my new meds, etc.  So we’ll see what changes we’ll make medically and go from there.  I have to accept that I will have chronic pain, like my mom and my grandmother on each side of my family.  It is something that I have to live with but not be ruled by it.

If you are suffering from pain, living with HIV or cancer or some other disease, living with trauma or something else that shakes your mental health, know you are not alone.  Even when you do everything you are supposed to, you can still have bad days or suffering from illness and old age.  The one thing that you can learn from the Buddhist teachings is that we cannot escape illness, old age, and death.  We can put them off but never escape them.  And do you really want to live this life thinking the next one will be better so you just have to be patient?  No, you want to learn to live here and now and find some quality (spiritual, physical, psychological) in this life, in spite of what’s going on.

Here’s to much less pain in 2018 and seeking to fulfill dreams.

Until the next time:

May you be free from suffering.  May you find the way out of suffering and the roots of suffering.  May you be happy and safe.  May you be compassionate and feel others’ compassion for you.  May you be loved and never take for granted how loved you are.  May you always know that you are not alone.

Peace.

The Empty Chair

th

There is now for us,

An empty chair

That sits and waits

For no one to return to it.

 

Our circle once cast by chance

Is now broken.

Despite our wishes and prayers

We grapple with reality

As our hearts and minds

Attempt to make sense of

What we cannot comprehend.

 

We know, in our lives, that

People are not with us

For a lifetime, but often

For only a time in life.

Too often this goes unrecognized

In our world

And we miss the simple grace

That accompanies sitting together

In the circle.

 

We struggle in the midst

Of days flurried with activity,

To make room for silence,

To appreciate our small blessings,

And catch glimpses of our most profound lessons.

 

Today, we take the time to honor and embrace

The common that may be sparked

As one soul crosses another’s path,

Even now as we sit in the circle

Where the empty chair awaits

For no one to return.

12/1/2004

For Shelley

Words at the Borderline

th

The words are so often spoken.

You tell me that you love me,

and I swear that this time it is true.

In the next instant

you turn your back on me.

I am pushed away

or worse. . .

My heart is broken.

 

The words are so often spoken

You tell me you love me

and I swear this that this time

— it is real.

You buy me flowers and diamonds

and act so concerned.

Only to leave me when I need you most.

 

The words are often spoken.

I told you I love you

I know you do not feel it.

You do not see what I see.

I have learned to hate those

three little words!

They only cause me more pain.

Nothing is ever right for you,

and I begin to feel the anger

welling up, but not escaping from

within you.

 

The words are spoken time after time.

I told you that I love you.

Stop your self-destruction.

Stop turning on yourself.

Trust me, while there is time.

You heard them say that they love me.

You cannot hear ME!

You yell.

You cry behind the doors

of your Soul

and whisper in the dark

of untold things.

I have learned that this is

how love goes. . .

and it never escapes. . .

it just starts over

once again. . .

 

The words are so often spoken. . .

 

1/4/94

to MHS