Compulsion

th

You turn over and over

in my mind,

This way,

That way,

Your psychic somersaults.

 

I look to the East,

I look to the South,

you are there and

I am trapped.

I look to the west,

I am cornered.

Afraid to look to the North. . .

I know you are already there.

 

I try to ease my mind

and I stumble through the forest.

With the rustling of every leaf,

I hear you whispering in my ear,

calling me, haunting me.

 

I plan my attack action.

Knowing what to say,

Knowing to wear my armor,

I forget you are ahead of me

Controlling my next move.

 

I make my resolution

Vow never to take this path

as I step from the speeding train

onto the very track

where I lay tied.

 

I grow desperate

No escape appears insight

I go round and round

on this merry-go-round

dizzy and sick with fear.

2/6/99

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Shall We

th

Shall we dance?

No, stand still and feel

My heart expand.

Shall we run?

No, this is the place for

Staying, breathing, and

holding space.

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, it is hard to

Hold unbounded space

For another

Or one’s self,

Hard, but not impossible.

 

Shall we count the stars?

No, be silent and be filled

With the luminosity and the Universe.

Shall I lay still?

How can I when your music

Sweetly saturates my core

Senses and opens me to new realms.

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, seconds feel like

Centuries, and just one breath

Can send the wheel spinning,

Creating lifetimes of birth and death,

Spontaneously helping us to break free.

 

Shall we die?

Yes, but not unto each other,

But rather

Into each of our new selves.

Shall we rush to love?

Yes, what else could

This life be for, other than

Cultivating loving?

 

When time is unable to be

Outwitted, there is only

Time for love.

 

1/2/04

 

 

The Breath of Transformation

th

The bell of mindfulness

Invited me to wake up

And remember my breath

For just one moment.

I knew the news before

I heard her voice.

This messenger held no

Surprises for me.

 

Breathing in,

Breathing out,

A transformation takes place.

Breathing out,

And releasing,

Just releasing,

Until departing becomes arriving.

 

I checked the calendar

to see if today was an auspicious day,

For some reason,

Any reason,

To help me make sense

of this awaited loss.

This present moment

Was arising and descending

Right before me.

 

I knew that my dear new friend had,

in one breath,

become a part of my ancestral heritage

and my future all at once.

I bowed to him with gratitude and honor.

I knew to see his smile again

All I needed to do was close my eyes

And smile as I had when he was

there before me just a few hours before.

 

I hear my own voice in my mind ask,

“Friend, are you there?”

A full and jovial voice answered

with no hesitation,

“Friend, I’m neither here nor there.

I just am.  That’s all we ever are.”

And with a tear and a smile I said in return,

using his own words,

“I like, I like it

It makes me happy

when someone believes. . . ”

And I knew we were now one.

9/20/2003

For TM

Powerful Prayer

th

One of my favorite prayers is actually not a prayer, well, not what most of you would think was a prayer.  It’s what is called a gathas, which I learned years ago when I became a student of Thich Nhat Hanh, a wise Vietnamese Monk who has made a huge difference in my life.

The words are simple and easy to remember, as easy to remember as “Now I lay me down to sleep. . . ” that we all remember learning as children.

I have arrived

I am home

In the here and

in the now

I am solid

I am free

In the ultimate I dwell

There is a translation of the gatha in the book “I have arrived, I am home:  Celebrating Twenty Years of Plum Village Life” by Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is also some simple sheet music and if I am not mistaken, there are a number of recordings of the gatha being sung on YouTube.

But, I have no singing voice despite being in choir as a child for 5 years so I use the gatha as a chant, with or without a mala.  Gathas, like mantras, can be powerful in helping a person deal with anxiety or panic.  Like affirmations, reciting a gatha (or a mantra) helps to focus your mind, fill your mind with positive thoughts, and help snuff out negative, self-limiting, harmful, or unhealthy thoughts.  They are also helpful when dealing with pain or disease like cancer (or coping with treatment).

This prayer reminds me of so many things.  First and foremost, I’m whole and right just as I am.  Every present moment is perfect and for a reason.  I haven’t always believed that but I think I do again.  If I don’t believe it, it is a belief I want to have.  If not, what’s the purpose?  I tried to be an existentialist and all I found is a lot of angst.  Instead, I choose to see the world from this point of view and believe there is meaning and purpose in the way things are.

When I was first introduced to this prayer, I cried and cried as I recited it because I felt so far from home.  I had moved away from my home state and felt like a stranger in a strange land.  I longed for the sun and seashore and felt so land-locked in the horridly flat and scorched plains I found myself living in.

But then I realized that it wasn’t about my home, my birthplace, and the millions of street corners and houses or sea shells I had left behind.  It wasn’t even about the people who I had loved when I lived there and the souls who had left me before I left.  It was about me and that I could be at home with myself, in myself, and that I could find solid footing anywhere my seat was.

And over time and because of circumstances, my chronic pain and other things I’ve written about in other posts, I got away from the practice of either chanting this gathas or taking time throughout the year to write about what this gatha means to me.  And that’s the great thing about gathas. . . each time you sit with them, well, over time, they come to mean different things.  They seem to unleash their wisdom in the moment, where you are in your life.  They are kind of like tarot cards in that they give you something to think about, something to reflect on and in return, they act as a mirror for what your interior experience is at any given time.

So I invite you, to sit with paper and pen, on your favorite chair or meditation cushion, in your car before you walk in from your day at work or when you take your lunch down to the river. . . and allow these words to fall over you like a warm mist.  Let them sink into your pores like a thick rich moisturizer and let your body and soul drink in the nourishment.  Allow the words to take their time and do their job.  There is no right or wrong way for you to relate to the words and perhaps they mean little to you, though, if you are reading this blog, even by chance, I know that the words will hold a special magic or a message for your soul.

Please share your thoughts, feelings, or comments about this gathas or share other prayers or sayings that touch you and give you pause to reflect.

Until the next time,

May your pen and paper be the vehicles for great freedom.  May your soul feel nurtured and cared for.  

May you have time in your busy-ness to reflect and ponder.  

May you remember to raise your eyes from your computer or phone screen and see what’s in front of you with soft eyes.   

May you be at ease and free from suffering.  

May you be surrounded in light and warmth or any other conditions that soothe your spirit.

May you be at peace or any other state that is congruent to your healing.

 

This Time

th

The magic of the circle. . .

Never born, never dies

The magic of the night

Calls out the spell

To being me home and to

Bring me out of myself.

 

I hold your hand as I have

For a thousand life times,

And you lead me into the

Realm of the deepest Unknown,

As time and space dissolve

Into our very cell memory.

 

But this journey is different

As never before, and never again.

Enchantment is but a fleeting moment

Not a lifetime’s art and craft.

 

We have made an oath to seek each other

Until time no longer is.

This dance between spirits has

Been altered by the elements, the wind, and the sea.

 

Instead of intermingling, entwining,

Dancing like fire fairies

Free and unencumbered

We walk mindfully

Step in front of step

Parallel and similar and yet secluded

Toward the same goal.

 

Our closeness is distant.

The spin of the wheel, the Infinite Circle of All,

And things are altered so quickly.

Birth and death are but one fleeting moment

And will not be changed,

awaiting the next round to begin.

 

Only one choice and

Heaven and Earth revolve until

Sense cannot be found and logic is but like the mist

On the dawn’s eve.

 

Prayers upon a flame

Seem to fly off into the night sky

Never to be heard by man,

But only by the gods.

9/4/04

 

 

Friends Needed

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I’ve forgotten how much I need friends in my life.  For various reasons, I have not had any friends close by for the past 8 years.  Well, I do know why.  My pain got so bad and when it did, my world became smaller and smaller.

If you have never suffered from prolonged pain, and I’m not sure which word to emphasize there. . . suffer, prolonged, pain. . . then you might not know or understand that the person in pain can develop tunnel vision.  You see, my life became a horrible ritual.  I got up every morning, exhausted, in pain from head to foot, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, jealous, and crushed.  I went to a job that was not congruent with any part of my life, except possibly my purse and even that was questionable.  I prayed throughout the day for the day to speed by but instead, by the end, each moment ticked by in agonizing slowness.  Every experience chipped away at my soul and every encounter hurt — someone’s voice being too loud, someone’s stale cigar smoke and body odor was overwhelming strong, someone’s laugh bore right into my bones, or someone’s criticism or demands on me sent my spirit crashing because I had no energy to give to anything or anyone.

The other thing that I found is that nothing seemed to fill the voids.  Sleep didn’t solve exhaustion.  Medications didn’t relax muscles or take away anxiety like their names promised.  And it wasn’t just one medication, it was egg cartons of them.  Ok, that is an exaggeration.  But at one time, I probably took a total of 10 pills a day and still had horrible pain more than half of any given week or month.  I prayed a lot.  For sleep to come quickly.  For the hours of 5:30-10:30pm to speed up so that I did not have hours of pain after work that would be filled with sitting in a dark living room, just staring.  And it would start again the next day.  Every weekend, I spent time at my family’s house, checking in on my elderly parents, and trying to act semi-social and not let my pain ruin those relationships.

But, yes, other people meant pain or pain triggers.  I had no control over sights, smells, energy levels, etc.  And pain or pain triggers?  Heck, I had enough of them in my life, why would I want other people to contribute to that?  I remember saying to someone, “No, I’m not going to lunch.  I don’t like that person enough to possibly end up in a situation where I’d have pain because of them.”  When the pain was bad, things like going to the grocery store was a nightmare.  Yes, I had to gone down the aisle with all the scented products, that was bad enough.  But then there were food triggers I had to avoid and when you are tired, in pain, trying to avoid more pain, and just wanting to go home and cease to exist, every food seems scary and a pain threat potential.

So there was no room for people, places, and things.  That’s not an excuse, that’s just what life became and I had no one to talk to about this.  No one to say, take a deep breath, and let’s figure out a way to live with your chronic pain.  Instead, my world became just me.  I had an incredible send off at my last job.  So much love and so many well-wishes.  I got lovely cards and clients who were so sad to see me go.  At that point, I was still good at hiding my pain from just about everyone.  It was so nice.  And many of my colleagues were just as sweet, some very good friends.  And I pushed them all away after I left.  I didn’t answer phone calls or cards.  I didn’t have the energy to drive an hour to have lunch or visit with them.  And they were all people whom I loved.  What if they wanted to go out for Asian food?  What if they had on cologne or fabric softener?  What if they laughed too loud or god, what if they wanted or expected something from me when I was now running for years on empty.  So, I pushed everyone away.  I even pushed long distance friends away.

I’m away from that life now.  And I’m rebuilding.  I’m revising my healing plan, dealing with my chronic illness in new ways, stretching my spiritual self, trying to eat healthier, do yoga, exercise, search, pray or chant, meditate, do biofeedback, journal, blog, write poetry, listen to books, read when not in pain, take up hobbies again, etc, etc, etc.  But somethings been missing and I have had a hard time putting my finger on it.

And then tonight, I got a call from an old friend, someone who knows me from decades ago, before the pain issues, in a different world.  We reconnected because of a post on facebook and when we talked tonight, it was like being in college again, or shortly thereafter.  It was someone who didn’t laugh at my accent or question my choice of words.  This person loves me and my story, my her-story and I felt so blessed.  This is one of my very favorite people and despite our lives going in very different ways and our temperaments being very different, this person is genuinely and honestly dear from the inside out.  What I noticed as she spoke was such a gentleness of spirit and a tender-heartedness.  I was so glad that we had reached out to one another and I made sure before we hung up that we planned to be in touch again.

What our call reminded me of was that I had been so one’s friend in the past.  I had people who I cared about and who cared about me.  There was a time when people weren’t scary or associated with pain or potential pain.  I knew that she wouldn’t judge me for not wearing make up or being or for being in a foul mood.  She knows me.  She’d probably laugh, tell me to take a nap, and call her when I felt better or she’d just say that she knew I was hurting and wished it wasn’t so.  Ah, how I miss having people around who could say that.  “I’m sorry it sucks and when you’re up for it, I’m here”.

If you know someone who has chronic pain, please don’t feel bad if they disappear and re-emerge.  Don’t be put off if they cancel plans or aren’t always there.  We never know what someone else is going through and most people don’t tell you what they are going through, even when you are super close.  But don’t turn away as it could be just when you don’t close the door that you save someone’s life.

To my friend, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and sharing your story.  The greatest gift you have ever given me has been that you have shared your heart and your spirit with me.

For everyone else, I wish you a peaceful evening.

As a reflection for tonight:

Think about the people or person that makes you feel like no one else can.  Imagine that person’s smile, either a time in your life when you shared laughter or that person gave you a smile, letting you know that everything would be okay.  Remember the laugh lines near the mouth, or the way the light bounced off their eyes.  Remember the way they tossed their hair or held their head.  Remember the moments you shared silently, not having to say a word but understanding that there was a deep un-ending compassion and complete unconditional regard and love between you.  Remember that moment when you feel alone or when you are in your darkest time.  Remember that look at 2am when you can’t reach out or 1000 miles away when you can’t feel that person’s hug.  Remember that part of a cultivated and lasting friendship is that that person touches within you the deepest, greatest, and best part of you and you do the same for that person.  If you feel alone, allow yourself to get in touch with that part of you that was fostered in relation to that person.

May you rise tomorrow to light and warmth.  May you be at ease and be free from lasting suffering.  

May you remember that this moment is the only moment that matters and that it is fleeting so pay attention to it and know that if your mind labels it bad or off or wrong, it will be over before you know it.  

May you always know that things change and don’t last.  For better and for worse, nothing lasts, except for true uncensored love.  

May you find freedom in your relationships, comfort in each other’s words, solace in each other’s smile, and delight in each other’s triumphs.  

May you never go to sleep without saying I’m sorry or forgive me.

May you feel your connection to everything in the world and remember that you and I are made of the stuff of stars.  

May you allow yourself to simply be.

 

 

 

 

I’m back. . .

th

So sorry I’ve been away for a few days.  Where I live the barometer has been bouncing all over the place for the past 10 days and I’ve been in a lot of pain.  I’m pretty sure that it’s been the weather as I’ve had no stress at all.  I’ve been doing yoga, meditation, on two new meds for pain, doing some biofeedback, and really watching my food intake.  I could also tell because my mom, who has fibromyalgia, has been in horrible pain all week.

I’ve downloaded a number of things from Audible.com including:  Kum Nye Relaxation (several things from this) by Tarthang Tulku.  I downloaded You Are Not Your Pain by Danny Penman and Vidyamala Burch, Energy of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, and The World of Relaxation by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  I’m looking forward to checking this out.

One thing that I want to set up, before January is over, is a schedule for all of the things I’m doing:  meditation, yoga, biofeedback, etc.  And I want to schedule time each day to read and to write on the blog.  I have come to accept that I’m going to have times like this when I am down for the count for reasons beyond my control, like the weather.  I did all I could and still had a lot of pain.  Instead of getting ticked off or thinking that it will “always be that way”, I have to accept that it’s not a week or day or hour to read but maybe it’s the time to crochet or nap or do something else.  But it won’t last forever.  And I just have to have patience and wait for things to change.

Anyway, today I didn’t wait to get a migraine because I knew I had a dental appointment so I took my cycle breaker and went to the appointment.  Happily, I never got a headache and was in minimal pain today.  Yeah for the changing tides of weather. So we’ll see what my PA has to say.  I can’t be on a cycle breaker (meds that I take to break a cycle of migraines that has lasted for several days despite medication to abort it in its tracks) all the time so I’ll have to let her know that my preventative medication isn’t doing enough to counteract the weather fluctuations.

I’m doing everything else like I’m supposed… two meals a day, water, sleep, staying away from trigger foods, staying stress-free or with minimal stress, watching my BP with my new meds, etc.  So we’ll see what changes we’ll make medically and go from there.  I have to accept that I will have chronic pain, like my mom and my grandmother on each side of my family.  It is something that I have to live with but not be ruled by it.

If you are suffering from pain, living with HIV or cancer or some other disease, living with trauma or something else that shakes your mental health, know you are not alone.  Even when you do everything you are supposed to, you can still have bad days or suffering from illness and old age.  The one thing that you can learn from the Buddhist teachings is that we cannot escape illness, old age, and death.  We can put them off but never escape them.  And do you really want to live this life thinking the next one will be better so you just have to be patient?  No, you want to learn to live here and now and find some quality (spiritual, physical, psychological) in this life, in spite of what’s going on.

Here’s to much less pain in 2018 and seeking to fulfill dreams.

Until the next time:

May you be free from suffering.  May you find the way out of suffering and the roots of suffering.  May you be happy and safe.  May you be compassionate and feel others’ compassion for you.  May you be loved and never take for granted how loved you are.  May you always know that you are not alone.

Peace.